Last but not least--okay...today Part 4

I know I am lucky. Blessed even. I have a great husband(who is probably the only person who will ever read this, if I tell him too) and a great kid. Thing is, I still don't know if I really deserve them. Well, I mean, there is something to be said for balance in life, but just because I got lucky and found a great guy and we had a great kid-the rest of my life has to suck?? What can I do? I mean, are the people out there who have everything they want, are they totally unhappy somewhere too? Cos if not, well geez that doesn't seem fair. Yeah I know, "life's not fair". I watched my best friend, the only real friend I've ever had, get KILLED right in front of me. Nothing I could do about it. I haven't even been able to visit her friggin grave and that's been 22 years!!

"When life gives you lemons..." I can't just make 'lemonade'. I have tried. I've tried to make the best of situations. I feel like I just keep getting screwed. And the thing is, I can't even talk to anyone to try to figure out what to do. It always seems like either noone listens, or they just don't care. See that's a big thing. Huge. Listening.

I remember having these t-shirts when I was a kid. "Blame it on me, everyone else does", "Of course I am talking to myself, noone else will listen". So maybe this does come from childhood. Blame it on my dad? I don't know. Maybe I am just defective(that's gotta be it. Sigh). I've gotta have some sort of redeeming quality(I mean, my family likes me), though I have no friggin idea what it could possibly be. I am overly nice-I always think about others first(cos I never think about myself, duh!). I'd give up anything for my kid. I always worry about how what I am doing is affecting others, and if it might be bad I won't do it. I go out of my way to not ruin someone else's day. (oh sure, Montgomery Gentry's "Lucky Man" comes on the radio now...sigh)

I know, I KNOW I am complaining for no reason at all and I should just SHUT UP and be happy with what I have. It's not that I'm not thankful for what I have, it's my place in this world that I worry about I guess. For once in my life I guess I want to do something special-but it always seems like when as soon as I think I've done it, it gets overlooked because someone else did it better or did something else super-fantastic awesome. My photos are good, but before someone can say that, "ZOMG SoandSo's photos freakin ROCK! Oh who are you? Yeah nice, now shoo".

So should I be "satisfied" with being "average"?? I think "average"="boring" to most. At least the people in the cemetery don't judge me(well, the dead ones anyway, at least I don't think so...oh geez). Maybe that's why I like hanging with them. They don't talk back, don't stare at me, don't call me 'ugly' or 'fat'. I'd like to hope that most of them are happy that someone is actually coming to visit them, remembering them, no matter what their life was like. But will anyone outside my family remember me??

Average Sucks part III

See here is where the invisible part comes in. To be invisible or not to be, that is the question.

(by the way, I hope you read parts 1 and 2 or this may not make much sense-just look further down the page)

See, I have Social Anxiety. I have a fear of being noticed. Seriously. I have a hard, hard time talking to any person I do not already know. I cannot talk to just about anyone on the phone. I am extremely paranoid-I always think others are looking at me or are talking about me, and especially they are judging me, and I am CERTAIN that they hate me. It's just how I live. I can't seem to get over it. I absolutely cannot take the spotlight, no matter where or when. So yeah, most of the time invisible to pretty freakin special to me.

That being said, I sometimes think that maybe if I got more positive feedback in places, that it would move me up the ladder of being less anxious. Maybe. All I ever seem to get is negative(or at least that's all I see, it stands out more). Sometimes even a small pat on the back for something goes a long long way. But one negative comment only reinforces my personal belief that I truly suck at everything.

So, ya know, those things like forgotten birthdays or being left off lists of "who people like best" makes me wonder if I am even being noticed at all. "Hello? Is this thing on? Can anyone here me?" At least I'm not on that list of "who everyone hates". At least not yet-because I just know someone is going to add my name, cos noone likes me, really, I am certain of that. Or am I even really here at all?? Or is that a Pink Floyd song?

Non-confrontational. I don't want to argue, really, I don't like it. I'd rather stop, go hide in a closet, and write my feelings down somewhere(like here). Maybe then someone could read it and understand how I feel and try to freaking figure how to deal with me. Sometimes(ok most of the time) I don't feel like I deserve to be dealt with. I don't know where this comes from, I've just been this way for as long as I can recall. I never really feel like I deserve anything. I don't like to spend my money on myself, I don't want others to spend their money on me for things. Don't give me attention-I don't deserve it! Obviously there are people out there who have done everything I do, and done it much, much better than me. I don't know why I even tried to do that, I obviously suck at it. Thank you for not answering and reinforcing my feelings. Now stop looking at me. Stop it. Go away. You obviously don't understand.

So I'm moody. And noone knows why. Well, there ya go, I just wrote most of it down. Life sucks. All the teams I root for suck. I don't even know what else to say now. I guess I'll post again if something else comes up. But yeah, don't worry about me, please, cos God knows, you probably don't really mean it. I can tell.

Average Sucks part II

Ok, after reading the post, and the title, I realized I mostly posted something different than what I had originally had thought about(hence the title not meaning much). So now I recall why I had that title, and I am gonna rant about that now.

Being Average.

First I am going to use my kid's softball team as an example, because it is "right now" for me. I've taught her to play, we've done okay, I guess. She isn't exactly a natural-born athlete though. However, we have worked with her and she doesn't "suck". And she has a great attitude. So her first 2 teams, they stink. One win each year and she is one of the better players on the team(which wasn't saying much). This year we manage to get on a really good team. So now she is one of the lower players. There are the ones who never played, and rarely even try, and there are the 'natural born athletes'. She is in the middle. Average. So the 'athletes' get tons of recognition every time they do something. Stars on their uniforms, name in the paper, praise all around. And the sucky ones get recognition when they actually manage NOT to strike out. And where does that leave my kid? Invisible. Noone goes up to my kid after a game and says "way to have an average game! you never struck out(but never hit a home run either), you didn't totally screw up any plays(but didn't make any spectacular ones)". Woohoo. Two games to go, mine is the only one who hasn't gotten a "game ball" or a star for her uniform. I'm sure she may not care, or notice, but someday she will.

Yeah, she does excell other places. Today is the Advanced Reader run at school, and she gets to carry the torch as the 2nd grader with the most points(in reading)edit: ok she is NOT the top reader, they told her she was, and she just called to say that she got beat by some other kid by 3 points. Just figures.). I am thrilled that she is smarter than most of the other kids in her grade. It's not like she's doing advanced calculas or anything though. And I am thrilled she got brains over athletic abilities. I just hope and pray that they get her further than "average". Because honestly, I was in the same shoes when I was her age. And where did it get me?? Yeah, see what I mean. Oooh, I can answer all the questions on 'Jeopardy'. Big woop. I have a great family, but we aren't exactly "fabulous". Especially when I see/compare to others, I see us as 'average'. Not poor losers, but not fancy schmancy rich folks with a boat and SUV.

Let's see where I can go with this. Yeah I wish we were rich. Hell who doesn't? You are a big fat liar if you said you don't wish you were rich. I don't mean Bill Gates rich-that's too much friggin responsibility. I just mean rich enough to A)not have to sit in a house for 2 weeks with no AC(and it's 90º) because we can't afford to have someone come fix it, B)have enough money to fix the cars so I'm not afraid to drive them on crappy tires or afraid the battery will crap out again or something else will go wrong. Maybe to finally be able to buy a dining room set(cos the table we got from someone 9 years ago and has no matching chairs sucks, and we couldn't even eat dinner together at the table if we wanted to), or a bedroom set(at least the cats can't hide things under the bed when the mattresses sit on the floor). Yeah, maybe our priorities suck, maybe we should stop playing Warcraft, take that $45 a month, save it up and buy nice things for the house. And then what, sit around the house like lumps and watch tv? At least we have fun(usually) playing Warcraft. But at least we have a house, and food, and clothes. I thank God for that. We aren't starving or worse. I know things could be worse. Well, hell, I FRIGGIN know, ya know you could have NOTHING like when a hurricane complete obliterates your apartment!! So I KNOW things could be worse.

Sigh.

And now to the Warcraft comparison part of our journey. Average. That's what my characters are. There are the "raiders". They have huge groups that get together and fight the really hard stuff, and they get all the best and fanciest gear. And walk around town like they are IT. And you have the suckwads. The total losers who never level their characters, don't know how to play them, sit around town begging for money or help because they can't do anything for themselves. And then there's me. Average. I don't like the huge groups(or even any groups at all where I have to help someone I don't know), and frankly I couldn't care less about having all the fancy schamcy gear(read: I don't need a Porsche or speedboat to be happy), I'm just fine with what I've got, for the most part. Yeah, there are a few things I wouldn't mind having, but they are obtainable without having to be crazy-good. And I could sacrifice things to get better things, but I don't really see a need to. And what does this get me? Put down by people I know who scoff because I don't strive to drastically improve my character.

Wait. Is that a metaphor for real life? I could stop being a "stay at home" mom, go out and get a fancy job and make lots of money. Work weekends, nights, whatever, as long as we get the moolah, right? Or I could BE HERE for my kid when she needs me. Be there for field trips, or bringing up the snack to school that she forgot, or coming up to see her AR run. I couldn't do all that if I wasn't at home all the time. So average is just fine.

Except when it makes you invisible. Which can suck at times. I think it's time for the next post.

Sometimes Average sucks

What happened here? Yeah I hadn't posted in awhile. And then I come here and the whole Google thing has changed and I gotta do this and that just to get back in. Whatever. Like you care. Like ANYONE is even reading this!

So here is the deal...I have been addicted to World of Warcraft. I send the kid off to school on the bus at 6:30am, then I log in and play all day. When the kid gets home, I still play. Maybe I stop to make dinner, maybe we all eat TV dinners(at the computer). When husband gets home, we all play until bedtime. Sometimes I stay up later and play. Every day. On weekends, unless something else comes up, its play from wake up to bed time.

Yeah. So I have a level 70(for those who don't know, 70 is the highest you can get for now), 65, 61, 61, 61, 52, 44, 40, 35, 32, 22, and countless lower than that. And I've been playing since October of '05. Yep, for a year and a half now. When we found it, it was something to escape too(go back and read my posts from around that time if you are wondering.).

Real life sucked ROCKS, I went to Fantasy Land.

In that time, I've let my website rot, basically. I mean, I've paid for it to stay there, but I haven't updated it in all this time. I want to, I really do. But that takes time. And time away from WoW. I want to start today, I want to go back to it. Honestly, I miss it and it makes me so friggin depressed just thinking about it. Do I want to be remembered for having an excellent source of genealogical information, or for some stupid video game characters?? Sigh...

I could also blame the gas prices. We used to take those long drives every weekend, hunting down graveyards or just seeing the countryside. But ever since Katrina, gas has been ridiculous(and even more so at this very moment), and it is actually cheaper for us to have 3 Warcraft accounts and play that every day, than to spend gas and food money every weekend for some time driving around. (3 WoW accounts =$45, 4 weekends of gas+snacks+lunch =~$100) This is the main reason we no longer Geocache. Cheaper to stay home. Sucks.

So yesterday, I don't know why really, it really hit me that I am wasting my time on this game. I can't even remember what made me get so down all of a sudden. It might have been checking my e-mails(something I do, literally, once a month). And realizing how important all the work I had done was to some people out there. And how the crap I do on Warcraft isn't important to anyone. I mean, what the heck am I doing??

This is getting long, I think I will publish now and think more later.