Average Sucks part III

See here is where the invisible part comes in. To be invisible or not to be, that is the question.

(by the way, I hope you read parts 1 and 2 or this may not make much sense-just look further down the page)

See, I have Social Anxiety. I have a fear of being noticed. Seriously. I have a hard, hard time talking to any person I do not already know. I cannot talk to just about anyone on the phone. I am extremely paranoid-I always think others are looking at me or are talking about me, and especially they are judging me, and I am CERTAIN that they hate me. It's just how I live. I can't seem to get over it. I absolutely cannot take the spotlight, no matter where or when. So yeah, most of the time invisible to pretty freakin special to me.

That being said, I sometimes think that maybe if I got more positive feedback in places, that it would move me up the ladder of being less anxious. Maybe. All I ever seem to get is negative(or at least that's all I see, it stands out more). Sometimes even a small pat on the back for something goes a long long way. But one negative comment only reinforces my personal belief that I truly suck at everything.

So, ya know, those things like forgotten birthdays or being left off lists of "who people like best" makes me wonder if I am even being noticed at all. "Hello? Is this thing on? Can anyone here me?" At least I'm not on that list of "who everyone hates". At least not yet-because I just know someone is going to add my name, cos noone likes me, really, I am certain of that. Or am I even really here at all?? Or is that a Pink Floyd song?

Non-confrontational. I don't want to argue, really, I don't like it. I'd rather stop, go hide in a closet, and write my feelings down somewhere(like here). Maybe then someone could read it and understand how I feel and try to freaking figure how to deal with me. Sometimes(ok most of the time) I don't feel like I deserve to be dealt with. I don't know where this comes from, I've just been this way for as long as I can recall. I never really feel like I deserve anything. I don't like to spend my money on myself, I don't want others to spend their money on me for things. Don't give me attention-I don't deserve it! Obviously there are people out there who have done everything I do, and done it much, much better than me. I don't know why I even tried to do that, I obviously suck at it. Thank you for not answering and reinforcing my feelings. Now stop looking at me. Stop it. Go away. You obviously don't understand.

So I'm moody. And noone knows why. Well, there ya go, I just wrote most of it down. Life sucks. All the teams I root for suck. I don't even know what else to say now. I guess I'll post again if something else comes up. But yeah, don't worry about me, please, cos God knows, you probably don't really mean it. I can tell.