Last but not least--okay...today Part 4

I know I am lucky. Blessed even. I have a great husband(who is probably the only person who will ever read this, if I tell him too) and a great kid. Thing is, I still don't know if I really deserve them. Well, I mean, there is something to be said for balance in life, but just because I got lucky and found a great guy and we had a great kid-the rest of my life has to suck?? What can I do? I mean, are the people out there who have everything they want, are they totally unhappy somewhere too? Cos if not, well geez that doesn't seem fair. Yeah I know, "life's not fair". I watched my best friend, the only real friend I've ever had, get KILLED right in front of me. Nothing I could do about it. I haven't even been able to visit her friggin grave and that's been 22 years!!

"When life gives you lemons..." I can't just make 'lemonade'. I have tried. I've tried to make the best of situations. I feel like I just keep getting screwed. And the thing is, I can't even talk to anyone to try to figure out what to do. It always seems like either noone listens, or they just don't care. See that's a big thing. Huge. Listening.

I remember having these t-shirts when I was a kid. "Blame it on me, everyone else does", "Of course I am talking to myself, noone else will listen". So maybe this does come from childhood. Blame it on my dad? I don't know. Maybe I am just defective(that's gotta be it. Sigh). I've gotta have some sort of redeeming quality(I mean, my family likes me), though I have no friggin idea what it could possibly be. I am overly nice-I always think about others first(cos I never think about myself, duh!). I'd give up anything for my kid. I always worry about how what I am doing is affecting others, and if it might be bad I won't do it. I go out of my way to not ruin someone else's day. (oh sure, Montgomery Gentry's "Lucky Man" comes on the radio now...sigh)

I know, I KNOW I am complaining for no reason at all and I should just SHUT UP and be happy with what I have. It's not that I'm not thankful for what I have, it's my place in this world that I worry about I guess. For once in my life I guess I want to do something special-but it always seems like when as soon as I think I've done it, it gets overlooked because someone else did it better or did something else super-fantastic awesome. My photos are good, but before someone can say that, "ZOMG SoandSo's photos freakin ROCK! Oh who are you? Yeah nice, now shoo".

So should I be "satisfied" with being "average"?? I think "average"="boring" to most. At least the people in the cemetery don't judge me(well, the dead ones anyway, at least I don't think so...oh geez). Maybe that's why I like hanging with them. They don't talk back, don't stare at me, don't call me 'ugly' or 'fat'. I'd like to hope that most of them are happy that someone is actually coming to visit them, remembering them, no matter what their life was like. But will anyone outside my family remember me??